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Five Rogue Resume Tribes

 

n today’s dauntingly competitive economy, the significance of a well crafted resume need not be be over-emphasised. Yet, certain job seekers take great delight in being their own worst enemies. The brood of bad resume writers is thriving and the Ministry of Human Resource Environment is itching to declare the species extinct. But the never say die spirit of the breed is rendering the task rather difficult. On being approached by an anguished Ministry, Assureconsulting.com decided to lend its services by characterising resume writers on the basis of their monstrous errors.

Pardes Chalo Group: Popularly known as the US chalo group. No harm in aiming high. However, in the eagerness to voyage to the land of big bytes, the tribe sprinkles Latin words liberally. This tribe shows its state of preparedness by discarding the use of the word Resume in favor of the ponderous sounding Latin Cirrocumuli Vitae. (Of course, the fact that each term has a specific usage and function escapes them completely).

Ki Pharak Painda Hai: This tribe is as ambitious and hard working as the Pardesis. But it maintains its distinct identity by stocking an even deadlier set of weapons such as bad grammar and spellers, color inks, loud fonts, colored or yellowed and frayed paper to provoke the Ministry. (To give the tribe its credit, its motto is high thinking. It lives on an elevated plane and believes that its skill sets are an adequate cover for the mundane task of placing comas and full stops in place. Well, well they know not what they do?)

Mera Jawab Nahin: Assureconsulting.com literally shudders while listing the traits of this particular breed. The tribe knocks-out, or is it knocks-down, the Ministry by an excessive overdose of verb(al) energy. Members of this tribe are not merely outstanding achievers. They are outstanding achievers who have outstandingly outperformed everyone. Whew! As if these punch lines were not enough, the "oustanding outperformer" takes great relish in further angering the Ministry by either providing extraneous information like marital status, height, weight, age and race and parents’ achievements and forwards self-serving letters of recommendation from friends and former employees. The ever-increasing pile of six page resumes in the Ministry’s storeroom is evidence of the dangerous rate of proliferation of this group.

Kya Kehna: Just as the Ministry was beginning to identify various categories, it was thrown completely out of gear by this one. The tribe is low really low on its verb(al) skills but terrorises by its excessive, self-effacive modesty. Members of the tribe have a deep revulsion for listing critical achievements for which they bagged awards as well as specific areas of responsibility in previous jobs. Other weapons of omission, which the Ministry has to constantly battle, include vaguely worded skill sets and objective statements.

Bhool Bhoolaiya: The very simplicity of the tribe’s guise is disarming. Clothed in a cloak of absentmindedness, members of the tribe forget to mention their respective contact addresses and phone numbers. While closing the envelope, members tape the resume to the inside cover. Finally, they post the resume on an unstamped cover, ensuring that the Ministry becomes bankrupt by paying for overdue postage. 

PS: In the best interest of these tribes, the Human Resource Ministry of Environment has decided to make public the contents of the report, with the hope that members form these tribes reform themselves. For further tips click here to read Bowl your recruiters with a High Powered Resume.
 

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